you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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