this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
