New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you inspire me to be a worse person
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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