I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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