Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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