Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
