Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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