so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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