Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
