I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's rum buckets o'clock
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
