Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
