he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
