could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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