Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize