giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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