At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
3 2 1 whiskey
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
