alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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