our cab driver is having phone sex.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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