If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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