Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize