Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
