I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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