Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just pee around me
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
