the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
