YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
