god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
