There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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