That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Randomize
