i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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