ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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