my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
