I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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