I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
