Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
