Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
