just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize