if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
