dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
