gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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