i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You ruined the universe
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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