my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
