Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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