Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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