New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
