can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
