So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
