I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
