Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
