i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
