He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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