So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
