After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
