He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize