I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
