i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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