dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
