She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
