So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
