its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
