A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
