why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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