sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
